Tonight...

I met my former sub's new boyfriend tonight. It was kinda unexpected although I did invite her to hang out with us. We are still friends. Deep down I feel that I'll be a better man for trying to have a friendship with her but I also know that it's tearing me apart inside. I don't really want her and yet I get depressed whenever I see her. I guess it's not her but what she represents. The submissive that I long to have, the love that I am missing in my life and feel that I'll never find again, the companionship. I am lonely and that's different from being alone. I am not alone. I have friends and family nearby. I have all the things I need to be happy and yet, I am miserable without having someone to share my life with. Someone with whom I can go for walks with, spend lazy days on the beach, or in bed. Someone to feel connected to. These are the things I miss and want in my life. If I find another submissive, that would be great but I don't need it. Nor do I need sex. I can have an orgasm anytime I want. What I want is to be with someone I love and who loves me. Someone who enjoys my companionship. When ever I see my former sub, I feel that I'm missing something and I'm afraid I'll never have it again.

My heart and my soul yearn for companionship where there is none to be had. Someday I hope that I can look back at this part of my life and see that I was wrong, that I had no reason to feel the way I did. But this is how I feel and I cannot deny it or hide it. If I did, it would be dishonest. And if there's one thing I am is honest and unafraid to say what I really feel. I have no fear of what anyone thinks of me or my life.

I can only ask and hope that my desires are heard and answered. Beyond that, I have no influence on what happens next. Perhaps tomorrow I will find what I seek.